Do doo doo do do
- Billy Dilley - We're subterranean
- Billy Dilley - You're such a brainy kid
- Billy Dilley - It's fascinating how
- Billy Dilley - It's complicated now
- Billy Dilley - Situation critical
- Billy Dilley - I hope it's fixable
Billy Dilley
Oh oh oh oh oh ooooh
Billy Dilley
- (PANTING) - (CREATURE SQUAWKS)
Good game, Miss Ardo! See you next week!
- (GROWLING) - Ah, rough neighborhood.
- (HOWLING) - (WHISTLES)
Aah!
You lost, kid?
Um, I don't think so.
And I'll tell you why!
I've taken approximately 1,789 walk steps,
1,243 run steps,
and 18 sheer-terror panic steps.
It's a simple matter of geometry to retrace my steps,
which should land me within 75 worms' lengths of home.
You talk too much, kid, and we don't like that.
- I don't like you. - That's okay.
Everybody doesn't have to like everybody,
- am I right? - I don't like you either.
I don't like his hair.
- (LAUGHING) - My hair?
What's wrong with my hair?
Looks like he made it himself.
What? My hair is fine!
Oh, wrong, mate.
Our hair is fine.
Your hair is defective.
(AIR HISSES)
- (LAUGHS) - (WAILS)
(WAILING CONTINUES)
Why would those meanies make fun of my hair?
Oh. Oh!
Eh... oh!
Eh... ooh!
La la la la la la la
What is this wonderful world of wigs?
Oh, it's Big Doug's Wonderful World of Wigs.
Don't fret, my little beauty.
I will free you into your natural habitat.
Namely, my head.
You lost, kid?
I don't think so, and I'll tell you why.
- (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) - That's what I'm talking about!
- Now we're talking. - Oh, yeah.
Oh. Oh.
My name is Billy Dilley, and I'm here about my hair.
My name is Big Doug, and... oh, my goodness!
May I touch it?
That hair is magnificent!
Well, what I really wanted was to cover up
these old curlicues with that super cool wig in the window.
Good eye, kid!
That wig happens to be made of one hundred percent wooly mammoth hair!
Oh, what are all these other wigs made of?
A hundred percent wooly mammoth hair! (LAUGHS)
- Isn't that right, Buttercup? - (TRUMPETS)
And that quality is why it costs just three hundred dirdles!
Gee, I don't have three hundred dirdles.
No money, no honey.
- But, but... - Listen, kid.
You gotta believe in that curly crop up top.
You're a whiz with that frizz!
Just accept your own unique and sassy 'do.
But I don't want my unique and sassy 'do.
I want that fake, sparkly, spiky 'do.
Well, in that case, find a job!
"Help wanted. Inquire within."
My name is Billy Dilley,
- and I'm here to inquire within! - (GROANS)
You know, the help wanted?
Okay, Billy, you'll be looking after Maria,
the prize-iest of my prized wooly mammoths.
Just make sure she gets her beauty rest
so she can win the big Subterranea-Tania Mammoth Show tomorrow.
Piece of cake, Big Doug.
Now, which one of these fine pleistocenes is Maria?
No, no. Let me guess.
Aw, is it this sleepy-eyed one?
(YAWNS)
Looks like someone's all ready to go night-night.
- Oh, no, no, no, no. That's... - (TRUMPETING)
- That's not what? - (TRUMPETS)
(WHOOSHES)
That's Big Dougie's little girl!
Oh, quite possibly not a piece of cake.
How am I gonna get this rambunctious mammoth
down for the night?
I know! I'll sing her a nice lullaby.
- Ahem. Maria... - (TRUMPETS)
Ooh!
Ow!
Aah!
- (GROANING) - (TRUMPETING)
Waah!
- (ROOSTER CROWS) - (DOOR OPENS)
Good morning, my beautiful sun rays!
It's morning already?
And I trust you got Maria all rested up for today's big mammoth show!
Oh, no!
Look at her! She looks like she hasn't gotten a wink of sleep!
Now she needs a facial to fix all of this!
Oh, don't worry, Big Doug.
I'll have Maria fixed up in the blink of an eye.
(EYE BLINKS)
He-he. No offense.
I mean, because of the... eh. Never mind.
Relax, Maria, 'cause after this
you're gonna feel like a brand-new mammoth.
(MOTOR RUNS)
Just ten more minutes, Maria!
(SNUFFLES)
What have you done to my beautiful baby?
- What did Billy do to you? - (WHINES)
Oh, shush, shush, shush. Don't you worry.
I'll just call the emergency mammoth groomer.
He'll have you nice and spiffy in time for the competition.
So, you were gonna call him and then pay me the three hundred dirdles, or...
(SMACK, WHOOSH)
Now I'll never be able to buy that wig!
(WAILS) Never wig.
- (LAUGHS) - Is that your hair?
Or did you make it yourself?
That's it! I don't need to buy a wig at all!
I'll make one myself!
- But how? - (SIREN BLARING)
Emergency mammoth groomer! Where's the emergency, kid?
Ah!
Emergency mammoth groomer!
Where's the emergency, Doug?
Hurry! Hurry!
(GROAN S)
Maria, get ready to be groomed!
Psst. Maria. It's really me, Billy Dilley.
(SNUFFLES, WHINES)
No, no. Shh shh shh. It's okay.
All I want to do is shave off some of your hair.
Just some you don't need. Only a little. Just a little.
Then I can make the wig of my dreams.
- (BUZZES) - Nice!
Hmm! No, that's not it.
Not quite.
Wrong. Nope. Uh-uh.
No! No. No!
Now we're talking.
(ELEPHANTS LAUGHING)
What have I done?
- Ooh! - (MIRROR SHATTERS)
Hey, you meanies! Don't make fun of her!
Shoo! Shoo!
Eh, Maria! I'm so sorry for what I've done to you
and what's left of your hair.
I should've never listened to those hooligans!
I should've listened to Big Doug!
(GASPS) Hold your hair-ses, Billy Dilley.
Maria, I know exactly how to make this right!
Ahh!
Okay, time's up!
We gotta get that mammoth on stage... merciful mastodons!
What in Bob's name has happened here?
Huh, huh, Maria? Huh.
(GROANS)
- What's that, Junior? - Ah! I said I'm sorry I'm late.
- Who are you? - I'm the emergency mammoth groomer.
Some maniac tied me up and locked me in my car.
Tied you up?
But if you're the groomer, then who is... huh?
BILLY: Ladies and gentlemen,
the moment you've all been waiting for.
Billy!
BILLY: Please put your tusks together
- for Maria the Mammoth! - (DRUMROLL)
Oh, Maria!
- (GASPS) - (LAUGHING)
Aah!
(GASPS)
- Ahh. - Ahh.
- (CHEERS) - (WHISTLING)
I just can't believe my eye!
It's amazing!
(SNUFFLES)
My name is Billy Dilley, and I'm here about a wig.
Billy, these new wigs are selling like hotcakes!
That will be three hundred dirdles.
My share of the mammoth contest winnings ought to cover it.
See you around, Big Doug.
See you around, kid.
Hey! This is only four dirdles.
(VOCALIZING)
- Aah! - What? You lost, kid?
Okay, guys, I get it. You hate my hair.
Nah, kid, we like the hair.
Oh!
- Now give us your wallet. - Oh.
(FURIOUS KNOCKING)
- Hello, Hagwitch! - Hello, Hagwitch!
Apprentice Billy...
And ex-apprentice Tony...
- ...reporting for duty, ma'am! - ...reporting for duty, ma'am!
At ease, simpletons.
Will we be using the awe-inspiring power
of chemistry to do something incredible today?
No. I have to run an errand,
so while I'm gone, you gentlemen
have the great honor of... dusting.
Dusting? Is this like one of those trust-building exercises?
Yeah, yeah. Something like that.
Anyway, dust your little hearts out.
You have free rein over everything in the house!
Except the cabinet.
That's off limits to both of you!
What would happen if we were to, like, you know, accidentally open the cabinet?
No, Billy, you don't want to make an oopsie at the Hag house.
Some days are good, some days are...
Eeeeeh!
(QUIVERS) Oh.
Right, but if you unlock the cabinet,
it'll be a lot worse than that, you got it?
- Yes, ma'am, Hag ma'am. - Yes, ma'am, Hag ma'am.
All right, gotta run.
Gonna take care of this pesky boil.
Uh-huh, getting that removed?
No, I'm getting it enlarged, you imbecile!
That's why I'm going to see my sisters.
They're beauticians.
(WHISTLES)
They are pretty!
See you in a couple hours.
And just forget about the cabinet, will ya?
All right, Billy, we better get started.
Billy?
- (BABBLES) - Billy, what are, what are you doing?
I'm analyzing, Tony.
I won't be able to forget the cabinet
unless I first know all about the cabinet.
Otherwise I'd have nothing to forget, see?
Why don't we get started on that dusting instead?
Yeah, maybe you're right, Tony.
Doesn't this feel better?
You never know what you'll find when you're dusting.
Look at this doily! It's so beautiful!
Do you like doilies, Billy?
Oh, not again!
- (PANTS) - Billy, get away from there!
I can't, Tony. I'm obsessed!
Just imagine the wonders that might exist in here!
We can't! We promised, Billy.
Not knowing is worse than anything the Hagwitch can dish out.
We've got to know, Tony!
Well, I guess there might be doilies in there.
WITCH SISTER: You call this a boil?
It's no wonder she can't land a date with Count Wretcher!
(LAUGHING)
Can you old bags help me or not?
I think we can help.
Let's get started.
It's so easy
One, two, three
Nothing to it
Follow me
Doo doo doo doo
Oh! Whew.
(GROANS)
Eh... (WHISTLES)
It's so easy, one, two, three
Nothing.
Nothing to it
Follow me
Hardy-har-har. Very funny.
(PANTING)
I don't think it's gonna open for us, Billy.
Maybe we should just get back to dusting.
That's it, Tony! Hagwitch said it wouldn't open for us.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Hey, Yucky. It's Billy.
Dilley, yeah.
I'm over at the Hag House, and I was wondering if...
- Yucky! - Oh, hey, Yucky!
Hey, Yucky, let me call you back.
Uhh.
We tried, like, pretty much everything, right?
Yeah. We tried the slim jim, the battering ram, the crowbar...
- Uh, Yucky? - Just a second, Yucky.
- We tried sweet-talking it... - Ah!
Yeah! Ooh!
This is the most astounding collection of ingredients I've ever seen!
Hey, there's no doilies in here!
Oh, well, let's close it up.
Billy, we're closing it, right?
Right after I find out what happens when milk of sea anemone
is combined with swamp potato, right, Yucky?
Yucky!
Oh! And how about a little toe of sloth?
Yucky!
(GROANS)
Did it work?
Fascinating! Fierce!
- Tony, look. - No, I don't want to touch it. Aah!
(HONKING)
Yucky!
Yucky! Yucky!
- (WHOOPING) - (YELLS)
That was so much fun!
I should never have doubted you!
These silly spheres are way too good to keep to ourselves.
We need to share the silliness.
Gonna spread some silly
COUNT: Thurston, you ninny!
You know that we cannot afford to let our guard down!
The sludge cannon must be kept in tip-top condition!
Okay, target acquired.
Let's get a closer look.
Wow, Count Wretcher's in rare form today.
Fire in the hole!
You're going to try? Oh, well, thank you very...
(CHIMES)
Ooh! (LAUGHS)
Count Wretcher?
(LAUGHS)
Oh, Thurston, my dear fellow,
I feel positively silly!
(LAUGHS)
Ha ha ha! Whoa!
(SPLASHES)
Oh, it's smaller than ever!
Do you guys have anything else?
Well, there is one more thing you could try.
Thanks for nothing, you two.
Anytime, sis!
(WITCH SISTERS LAUGHING)
Oh, well. Time to get a quart of lice cream
and wallow in self-pity.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Who knew that Count Wretcher even had a decent giggle in him?
That sure was a gas, Billy!
- Indeed. - What?
Yucky.
But I wonder...
No, don't do that, Billy.
I wonder if it would be possible to make
Count Wretcher feel even sillier!
Oh, Mr. Wretcher's probably feeling silly enough, Billy.
That's where you're wrong, Tony!
Wrong, wrong
Tony's so wrong (SNIFFS)
Needs a little something.
Got it! A little Billy con carne.
The sludge cannon is not going to calibrate itself!
Sorry, Count Wretcher, it's just...
Wonderful! It's time for Hour of Excuses,
starring everyone's favorite loathsome loser,
the most incompetent little cretin in all the land,
the pharaoh of failure,
the sultan of stupidity,
the maharajah of moronic...
- (CHIMES) - Hi! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, Thurston, how marvelous it is
to have a little love buddy like you around!
Count Wretcher, are you feeling okay?
Why, Thurston, I've never felt better in my entire li...
What... is... happening to me?
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Oh... yah!
- (LAUGHING) - Yucky! Yucky! Yucky!
Dilley!
Make a laughing stock of me, will they?
Whoo!
It's so easy, one, two, three
You know, Billy, that was actually pretty funny.
Yucky!
Dilley!
You'll pay for this!
- Ahh! - Ahh!
If you don't go faster, tiny Mr. Wretcher is going to catch you!
I'm carrying too much weight!
I need to unload some ballast!
(PANTS)
Guys, it's working!
So, there I was, in the heart of the battle,
- when all of a sudden... - (HONKS)
- Ahh. - Ahh.
MR. WRETCHER: Come back here, rapscallions!
Billy!
Uh, looks like it's shoes for dinner again, old buddy.
Gads! My physique!
- Billy! - Billy!
Is it just my imagination, or does everyone
in Subterranea-Tania look more handsome today?
Yucky!
(ALL SCREAMING)
- (POUNDING ON DOOR) - ALL: Billy!
Might've gone a little heavy on the swamp potato.
Oh, Tony just knew we shouldn't open the cabinet.
Now he's going to be beaten up by scary clones!
- Yucky. - Well, the door is locked,
so maybe they'll just, you know, go away?
- Yah! - Yah!
Or maybe they'll just burst through the door and kill us.
I know you're in here somewhere, Billy Dilley!
Where are you, Billy?
(PANTS) Oh, so, so much harder without muscles.
(GRUNTS)
Show yourselves, cowards!
Ugh!
(GRUNTS)
Wretcher! Any sign of Billy?
I wasn't actually looking for Billy.
I just relish the idea of destroying the Hagwitch's belongings.
(ALL SCREAM)
This doesn't look good, you guys. I think we have to make a break for it.
But, Billy, shouldn't we try to fix the problem we caused?
Not if we want to live, Tony.
Not if we want to live.
Aah! Ooh!
- Ah! - After them!
- Maybe if we reason with them? - Billy! Billy!
We'd probably have better luck dealing with the Hag...
HAGWITCH: Holy smokes!
I'm gone for three hours, and this is what I come home to?
Wait, what? You opened my cabinet?
- You fools! - (CHIMES)
- Ah! - (THUDS)
(BLUBBERS)
Oh, Miss Hagwitch, please have mercy on us.
And why in earth would I do that?
Things just got out of hand so fast.
First, the cabinet was so fascinating, and maybe there were doilies in it.
- Doilies? - And then Yucky came over and opened it.
What the heck is a Yucky?
- Yucky. - (GROWLS)
Right. So then, in a fit of scientific curiosity, we mixed up...
trashed the place looking for us, and then you arrived,
and then I started explaining what happened,
and telling you that I learned my lesson
and that I should've listened to you in the first place...
(GASPS) ...and then it was right now!
- Whee! - Whee!
(GIGGLES)
Billy... (GIGGLES)
...as soon as this wears off,
I'm gonna turn you into a toadstool!
Billy!
Oh, Miss Hagwitch, I'm so sorry!
No. It's perfect!
Uh, it is? What?
You saved the day, Billy!
Now, all of you, clear out of here.
I got some cleaning up to do.
I'll be seeing you later,
- Raymond Wretcher. - (SIGHS)
Shouldn't we help you clean up, ma'am?
Don't worry, kid, I got my ways.
Ala-kazaam!
Gosh! I thought for sure that we would get
some kind of punishment for disobeying the Hagwitch.
Oh, well, another house-sitting success story.
I said you've got the wrong number
For the right guy
I'll do the job for you
Just pay the price
Run, run, run away
Baby, stick to the plan
Run, run, run away
Catch me if you can